A New Tenure in Motown
by: Jack Bing
Motor City. The Automotive Capital of the World. When Spaghetti Hitchens approached the Tigers' large stadium, he found himself a new man. A general manager. His wife had joked earlier that morning about him already looking older, and he certainly felt like it.
Within a week, Hitchens would be scribbling furiously on the chalkboard for his players, outlining his steps to success. His mission would be to change the Tigers for the better. At the top of it all, drawn over so boldly that the chalk cracked, was a simple message: "Be Present."
"We will no longer be forgettable," explains Hitchens. "People will no longer be shocked to learn there is an MLR team in Fake Detroit. "
It's one of many initiatives that Hitchens plans to take in developing the Tigers organization. He has held much love for former GM Zum Boehner, inducting him into the team's hall of fame as its inaugural member. But he isn't shy about evolving the team to heights it has yet to reach.
"The players have really welcomed me as the new GM. I can't say what it was that set me apart, but I am here to help bring more fun and a winning culture to the team," says the new GM. "My aim is to establish a positive and thriving culture in the clubhouse. I intend to meme the hell out of the MLR and get us noticed."
Much of Hitchens' chalkboard is filled with prototype memes, crude drawings of stick figures with small 'D' hats. Activity is important to him, and may lead to Detroit being the next big presence in fake baseball discussion boards.
Another important aspect to Hitchens is his clubhouse, and how it is now. On the chalkboard, he writes 'TRADES' in capital letters, and marks a line through it.
"I've been approached about trades and asked about when we will start winning. Believe me when I say that we already have the pieces in-house to compete. We need to improve in certain areas, sure, but I know it's just a matter of time."
His biggest tenant is to not trade "for the sake of [trading]."
When inquired further about players, Hitchens wastes no time gushing about his new responsibilities.
"I am excited to inherit this group of players," he says. "I think any GM would be thrilled about getting Morris Deratt, Valentino Rollin, and Dick Woolridge; you can build a team around anyone one of these guys. John Johnson Jr. is our team captain and I'm inclined to agree with the 501D article: he's about to break out in a big way. C.H. Lee, Tyler Phoenix, and Mason Spurs have been solid contributors; you may not know their names yet, but you will."
For now, Session 10 is in the headlights for the young Hitchens, looking to solidify himself as the best at his new job, to join names like Jordan Peppers and Whitt Bass as a player who retired and formed a contending team. He is prepared and committed to taking baby steps in his first few sessions.
"While making the playoffs will probably a 9-game win streak," he explains, "our primary focus is on improving our play as a team."
The players are all smiles as their manager wraps up his opening remarks, officially beginning his career. New beginnings, however, do not come without looking back on one's roots.
"In some weird way, I should say thanks to Preller," Hitchens begins. "He originally agreed to sign me when I joined the league, then dropped me before my first game. Master Cashier took a chance on an aging pasta deity, and gave me the opportunity to contribute to the Brewers. Both he and SCM gave me the opportunity to GM--I filled in for Cash and co-GMed the Brewins with JP Panik. These opportunities likely opened the door to where I am now and I am grateful to both of them. I love the Brewers and they have some really great guys. They will be missed, but I am excited to be reunited with Kevin Arianna." The Houston catcher was recently announced as the Charleston Charlies general manager.
After the clubhouse meeting, Hitchens is the last one there. He sits down and stretches his legs in his new office, breathing in the smell of newly-applied paint and staring into a computer screen full of advanced analytics. On his desk is a picture of now-head ump Zum Boehner, his arm around Big Tuna, and Hitchens smiles, because he knows he won't let them down.
It's a new tenure in Motown.